


Memory Reflection

by misura



Category: Primeval
Genre: Community: rounds_of_kink, M/M, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 11:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8012569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd thought, somehow, that it would be more like making love to himself, like reaching an empty shelter after a hard day's travel, sinking down onto the hard floor, knowing he was safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memory Reflection

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: _Matt/future!Matt, take me back to the start, doppelgangers_

He'd thought, somehow, that it would be more like making love to himself, like reaching an empty shelter after a hard day's travel, sinking down onto the hard floor, knowing he was safe, safe, safe, but also, now and always, alone, alone, alone.

After weeks of not encountering another human being, it was hard sometimes to imagine a face, to fabricate a lover out of nothing but thin, cold air and vague recollections of people he might have glanced at and thought attractive.

Sex with other, living, _real_ people happened, true enough, but never without the awareness that it was a rushed, hurried thing. Time to rest in safety was rare, and valuable; to waste it to pursue what was, in the end, a fleeting pleasure had always left him feeling a little guilty.

He'd still indulged in it, naturally. When an offer was made, he'd usually accepted, knowing that if he wouldn't, they might well be dead before getting another chance.

This wasn't like that, though. The face was his, yes - or maybe the other way around, but some of the small details were different. There were scars he didn't remember acquiring, scars that weren't present on his own body. Tangible memories of fights, accidents, near-death experiences that he'd never lived through himself.

It fascinated the part of him that was a scientist.

The part of him that wasn't simply filed it away as another bit of information, something to weigh in his decision as to whether or not he should accept this person's advice. The person telling him to go back wasn't, quite, the Matt Anderson who'd come here years ago, who'd built a life for himself out of lies and sufficient knowledge of future technologies to impress.

Likewise, the Matt Anderson who had agreed to be taken back to this apartment in spite of knowing that there was nothing to pack and only a handful of people to say goodbye to (and none of them here) was not the same man as the one who still wondered what he was doing, and why, and how on Earth this fitted in with everything he knew about timelines and Anomalies and alternate realities.

(The answer, probably, was that it didn't, much like _he_ had never entirely fit in the here and now of a crowded city where people might reasonably expect to live to see a hundred, much like there would always be a part of Emily, however well-masked, that would look back at the past and call it 'home'. Much like the man whose hands were exploring his skin, mapping out territory not quite as familiar as one might have expected, would only ever view this apartment as a shelter, a place to rest and be safe for a few moments - days, at best, but not as a permanent residence.)

Chances were, if they both went back, one of them wouldn't make it. The time-space continuum would only stretch so far, and while an exception had clearly been made once, that was no guarantee it would happen again.

Same story, of course, if only one of them went back. The only difference would be that the one of them who remained would never be _sure_. Cold comfort, under the circumstances. No comfort at all, really.

Third option: neither of them going back. Let the future happen as it would - but he'd already rejected that choice, years ago in the future.

And so, perhaps, this - _he_ had not changed quite so much after all. He'd enjoy this moment, yes, _was_ enjoying this moment, very much, but in the back of mind, he knew that it would end, soon, and mean nothing more than a memory of a time when instead of taking the time to rest, heal and plan, he'd been selfish.


End file.
